Dr. John Gottman’s groundbreaking decades-long research into how to achieve better love relationship success, resulted in his ability to determine within 15 minutes of observing how couples interacted, whether they would stay married or end up divorced a few years out. He could also predict which couples would remain together but be unhappy.
In this blog post I want to share just one (look for others in upcoming blog posts) of the behaviors that he witnessed that supported a long, healthy, strong marriage. It’s a concept he calls:
Small Things Often.
It’s about doing little positive, no-cost actions consistently. Actions like showing affection, appreciation, kindness. The operative word is “consistently.” And the challenge is that in order to put this idea into practice “consistently” it requires that we build a new habit wherein each and every day, we do one little thing. Things like, attach a love post-it-note on the visor of your partner’s car. Do some small chore that they normally do, forward an interesting article on one of their favorite hobbies, and one of my favorites…
The 10 Second Kiss.
Dr. Gottman suggests that a very effective (and small) way to connect emotionally is when you share a kiss with your partner, do it for at least 6 seconds. When you try this – consciously – you’ll see how long that really is and how you start actually tuning in to – THE KISS.
My husband John and I tried this and together decided that we wanted to do it at least once every day, but we also wanted it to be a 10-second kiss. We thought, if 6 is good, then 10 must be better. And let me tell you – without going into too much detail – it really is. Suddenly, when you’ve got 10 glorious seconds to focus on nothing but this lovely physical and emotional connection with your partner, magic things start happening. (You can write the ending of this story in whatever way you like.)
Danger! Danger Will Robinson! While this is really fun and feels great, it could end up just being another good intention (there’s that new-habit-building challenge again) unless you create some kind of a reminder/anchor. Accordingly, see the handwritten sign on the inside of our front door.
Creating a better love relationship – one 10-second kiss at a time!
